March
2005
Dear Ministry
Partner,
We have all known people who tried
to "control" us in varying ways and with different degrees
of success. It may have been
a parent or relative, teacher or coach, boss or co-worker, politician,
neighbor, or even a religious leader. It is particularly tempting
for any person who is in "authority" over us in some
way to want to use that authority to "lord it" over
us as Jesus said in Mark
10:42-43. Like many things in life where some of a thing is
good and too much is bad, some control is appropriate in correct
context, but too much control is oppressive and sinful. Understanding
this topic of control is one of the major keys to life. Having
a better understanding of the dynamics of why others try to control
you, what is inappropriate control, how you can live free from
inappropriate control, and how to make sure you are not controlling
others in a wrong way, will make you much more likely to be a
successful disciple
of Jesus Christ, and also will most likely result in a happier
life.
First, we have to differentiate between
proper "management" and improper "control"
of others. For example, parents must manage their children in
a way that cause them to "obey" their parents’
authority, and to a certain extent obey the authority of other
adults over them such as teachers, bosses, and pastors. A full
teaching on "submission" would take a large amount of
time, but let me say that proper submission to someone else’s
authority never means you have to obey them if they want you to
do something illegal or sinful. Submission to authority is first
of all an attitude of cooperation (as contrasted to an attitude
of rebellion). That attitude of cooperation still leaves open
the ability to present a Godly appeal to authority if an instruction
is believed to be harmful, undesirable, or immoral in some way.
But teachers must maintain order in their classroom, employers
deserve to have their employees follow their instructions as long
as they are pulling a paycheck, and pastors should not have church
members continually uncooperative or rebellious against their
leadership.
Adults are generally free to change
jobs or churches if they feel they cannot serve under a specific
person in authority if they find that the overall conditions are
not acceptable. Obviously children have fewer options until they
are 18 years old, and a Christian wife generally does not have
the freedom to just "disobey" her husband who is a Biblical
authority figure in the family (which is why the decision of who
to marry is probably the most important decision outside of salvation).
While on this topic, I always want to be quick to add that a husband
has no right to oppress or abuse his wife or children —
he should serve and care for them as Christ did for the church
(Ephesians
5:25).
So what is "inappropriate"
control of others? A person must start with a correct theological
understanding that Almighty God — who certainly has the
power to control everything — chose to create angels and
mankind with a free will. It should be obvious to any thinking
Christian that most people on this planet are exercising their
free will to clearly disobey God and His Ten
Commandments of the Bible. There is a significant percentage
of Christians who have fallen into the deception of "sovereignty
theology" which teaches that God is controlling every single
thing that happens on the Earth. If that were true, then God ordained
all the murders and thefts that have occurred on Earth, so those
people were doing God’s will and therefore should not be
arrested or imprisoned! So if God is not controlling each person,
then we should not try to "control" people either (Ephesians
5:1). However, we have all known "control freaks"
who in direct confronting ways, or subtle manipulative ways, tried
to control everything we did — and typically for their own
benefit.
There are two major reasons that
some people try to control others. First, all people are selfish
because of the fallen nature of the flesh. Some people yield to
selfishness more than others, and trying to control other people
is clearly a very selfish thing to do. It is "using"
others to give more benefits in some way to the "user."
This is usually the motive of people trying to control us in obvious
positions of authority — relatives, bosses, politicians,
even some religious leaders. As Christians, we not only should
work at resisting gross selfishness, we need to be sure we are
not controlling others simply for our own benefit. Allow me to
point out that as a parent, for example, I have the right to tell
my child he cannot have the keys and drive the car at age 10 —
that is for his well-being as well as my own. And if I tell my
teenager he has to be home by 11:00 pm, that is not inappropriate
"control", that is prudent parental management. But
I should not make every decision for my children — they
should have a free will over their college major, life career,
and similar issues. Most people should be able to figure out a
good grasp of this balance if they are truly trying to be good
managers and stewards over those they are responsible for —
rather than just selfishly controlling them.
The second major reason people control
others is out of insecurity. This is the more difficult to perceive
and understand. When people are fearful, insecure, weak, and without
faith, they want to stop having those feelings because the Bible
says "fear hath torment" (1st
John 4:18). Insecure people generally use the more subtle
"manipulative" methods of controlling others rather
than using confrontation and force. Insecure people sometimes
fall into the trap of thinking that if they can just "control"
everyone around them — nothing "bad" will happen
to them. There are two major problems with that thinking. First,
there is no way to truly control a person, because he or she still
has a free will. Second, the more a person feels controlled in
an inappropriate way, the more likely that person is to try to
hurt the "controller" (to set themselves free from the
perceived slavery). Occasionally, a person will grow comfortable
having someone else make all their decisions in life, and an unhealthy
long-term "co-dependent" relationship is established
between the controller and the person who is being controlled.
But generally, most people don’t like being controlled and
will work against the controller (which does not result in a happier
life for the controller — often resulting in the controller
thinking he or she just needs to control others even more, making
a downward spiral in the controller's life).
Sometimes people understand it is
okay to try to "sell" us things, so they wrongly conclude
it is okay to "control" us along the same lines. Some
even conclude it is okay to threaten or deceive others to get
them to do the things they want accomplished. That is not management,
that is manipulation. As a contrast, there is nothing wrong with
providing "incentives" (rewards) to get people to do
things, whether it is our children, our employees, or even our
relatives. Rewards promised to be given after someone has done
a good thing are valuable and very different from bribes (which
are payments before the fact to get someone to do something that
is wrong). We need more positive consequences for people who are
willing to do good things. And rewards don't always have to be
monetary — be creative when trying to manage others.
Many times we have to politely "just
say no" when people want to control our lives. Jesus
Christ should be Lord of our decisions — not a relative,
neighbor, boss, or even another Christian. But we also have to
guard ourselves from being rebellious or "independent"
in a bad way. There are many times it is best or even required
to submit to another person, but if we perceive we are being controlled
— it is usually best to try to move away from that relationship.
The Bible says in 2nd
Timothy 3:5, "from such people turn away"(NKJ),
"have nothing to do with them"(NIV),
"avoid such men as these"(NAS).
That is not always possible, and even when possible it may seem
to cost a great amount to leave some relationships, like it did
for David
when he left King
Saul — but it may have saved his life (1st
Samuel 27:1). Jesus said there would be times His disciples
would need to leave some people and shake the dust from their
feet in protest (Luke
9:5). It is vitally important that we guard the spiritual
condition of our hearts from being oppressed, crushed, or emotionally
drained by the greed and control of selfish mankind (Proverbs
4:23).
Helping people live free,
Dale & Judi Leander
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